休閑娛樂必讀書系（套裝共18冊(cè)）

上篇 逗比朋友

1.I Have the Key

Jesse called after his friend Edwin."Hey, Edwin! Someone has stolen your treasure box."

Edwin smiled and said."Don't worry, John. I have the key."

我拿著鑰匙呢

杰西在他的朋友艾德文后面高聲地叫著：“嗨，艾德文！有人把你的珠寶盒給偷走?！?

艾德文邊笑邊回答：“不要緊，我拿著盒子上的鑰匙?！?

2.That'.What I Want to Find Out

"We have got a new dog, would you like to come around and play with him."

"Well, I don't know. Does he bite."

"That'.what I want to find out."

那正是我想知道的

“我們新養(yǎng)了一條狗，你要過來和他玩玩。”

“哦，我不知道。他咬人?！?

“這正是我想要知道?！?

3.My Dog Can't Read

Mrs. Jack: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Jack: It'.no use, my little dog can't read.

狗不識(shí)字

杰克夫人：哦，親愛的，我把最愛的小狗給丟了！

史密斯夫人：你該在報(bào)紙上登廣告??！

杰克夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認(rèn)識(shí)字。

4.Two Friends

"Sandy, please wait a minute! I wouldn't say this to you, but now I can't help it. You borrowed my umbrella three days ago, and haven't returned it yet."

"Oh, Jenny, I had no choice because it has been raining since then, you know."

兩個(gè)朋友

“桑迪，請(qǐng)等一下！我不能不和你說一下了。三天前你就把我的傘借走了，可到現(xiàn)在你還沒有還?！?

“哦，詹妮，我也沒辦法呀，你知道的，從那天起雨就一直在?！?

5.Who Is this Speaking

Mr. Marcus was in the hospital for a long time.

One night the phone rang at the nurses'.tation.

"How is Mr. Marcus."the caller asked.

"He'.doing very well. In fact, he'.being discharged tomorrow. Who is this speaking."

"This is Mr. Marcus—the doctors don't tell me a thing."

你是誰

馬庫斯先生住院很長時(shí)間了。

一天夜里，護(hù)士站的電話鈴響了。

“馬庫斯先生還好?！贝螂娫挼娜藛枴?

“他很好。事實(shí)上，他明天就可以出院了。你是?！?

“我就是馬庫斯先生——醫(yī)生們什么都不告訴。”

6.Go Swimming

An American touring in the Sahara was dressed in a bathing suit. An Arabian gazed at him in amazement.

"I'.going swimming."the tourist explained.

"But the ocean is five hundred miles away."the Arab informed him.

"Five hundred miles."the American exclaimed with a huge smile."Boy, what a beach."

去游泳

一位美國游客正身著泳裝在撒哈拉沙漠觀光。一個(gè)阿拉伯人驚奇地看著他。

“我要去游?！庇慰徒忉屨f。

“可大洋還有500英里?！卑⒗藢?duì)他說。

“500英?！泵绹诵χ@叫道，“小伙子，這是一個(gè)多么大的海灘?！?

7.What Do You Call Your Other Arm

I went to a restaurant one day recently wearing a shirt with the designer'.signature on the right sleeve.

As I stood in line to wait for a table, an elderly gentleman tapped me on the shoulder. Pointing to the label, he said."Nice name."Then, in a curious tone, he asked,"What do you call your other arm."

另一只手臂叫什么名字

最近有一天，我穿著一件右邊袖子上有設(shè)計(jì)者簽名的襯衫去了一家餐館。

排隊(duì)等候空桌時(shí)，一位年長的先生拍了拍我的肩膀，指著簽名說：“好名?！比缓螅趾闷娴貑柕溃骸澳愎芰硪恢皇直劢惺??！?

8.Tell the Difference

I stopped by a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered."Yeah, three males and two females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered."Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

區(qū)分不同

幾天前，我順便到一個(gè)朋友家拜訪，發(fā)現(xiàn)他正舉著蒼蠅拍四處拍打蒼蠅。

我問他是否拍到幾只蒼蠅，他回答說：“拍到了，三只公的，兩只母?！?

出于好奇，我問他是怎么區(qū)分的。

他回答說：“三只趴在啤酒罐上，兩只貼在電話機(jī)。”

9.A Big Tiger

"Last week,"Tom said to his friend Kenneth."I went for a walk in a large park. The day was very cold, and the wind was blowing. Suddenly I saw a big tiger."

"What did you do."asked Kenneth.

"I looked at him, put my hands into my pockets and went home."answered Tom.

"Did it run after you."asked Kenneth.

"Oh, no, it didn't. You see, it was in the coop."

大老虎

“上星?！睖穼?duì)他的朋友肯尼斯說，“我在一個(gè)大公園里散步。天冷風(fēng)大。突然，我看到一只大老?！?

“你是怎么做的?！笨夏崴箚柕?。

“我看了看它，雙手插進(jìn)口袋就回家去。”湯姆答道。

“它追你了。”肯尼斯又問道。

“噢，沒有。你明白，它是在籠子?！?

10.Choice Questions

My husband took two Graduate Record Exams on the same day and came home exhausted from hours of answering multiple choice questions. He collapsed on the sofa.

His wife came to inform him that dinner was ready and asked if he would prefer water, lemonade or milk with his meal.

He paused for a moment and then replied."I'.l take C, the milk."

選擇題

丈夫同一天參加了兩項(xiàng)研究生入學(xué)考試。幾個(gè)小時(shí)的多項(xiàng)選擇題使他筋疲力盡，回家后他癱倒在沙發(fā)上。

他的妻子走過來對(duì)他說，晚飯準(zhǔn)備好了，問他吃飯時(shí)是想喝水、檸檬汁還是牛奶。

他停頓了一會(huì)兒，回答說：“我選C，牛。”

11.I Don't Know

Blake: My wife doesn't understand me, does yours？

John: I don't know. I'.e never heard her even mention your name.

我不知道

布萊克：我妻子不理解我，你妻子呢？

約翰：我不知道，我從來沒聽她提起過你的名字。

12.Little Room

Billy checked into a hotel. But his wrath rose almost as soon as he left the desk."I may be looked upon as a simple Irish lad from bogs,"he roared to the porter who was carrying his bags."but I'.not paying good money for a room no bigger than a cupboard with nothing but a little folding chair in it."

"Please go in, sir."said the porter."That'.a lift."

小房間

比利在一家旅館辦理了登記手續(xù)。但剛一離開服務(wù)臺(tái)，他就火冒三丈。“你們竟敢把我當(dāng)成從沼澤地里來的愛爾蘭傻小。”他對(duì)行李搬運(yùn)工大聲吼道，“我可不會(huì)付高價(jià)來住這樣一個(gè)碗柜大小、只有一把小折椅的小房。”

“請(qǐng)進(jìn)來吧，先?！毙欣畎徇\(yùn)工說，“這是電。”

13.A Tip to Stay Awake

Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he'.been a long‐haul truck driver."I'.love to drive a big rig."I said."but I'.worry about falling asleep at the wheel.""Here'.a tip to stay awake."he offered."Put a ＄100 bill in your left hand and hold it out of the window."

保持清醒的訣竅

像我這樣的技術(shù)支持人員會(huì)整天在電話里和顧客談天說地。許多人喜歡在等他們的電腦重新啟動(dòng)的時(shí)候聊天。有一名男子告訴我，他曾經(jīng)是長途卡車司機(jī)。我說：“我喜歡開大卡車，但是又擔(dān)心開車的時(shí)候會(huì)睡?！彼f：“有一個(gè)訣竅，可以讓你保持清醒。左手握一張一百美元的大票，然后把手伸到窗外?！?

14.The Umbrella

A gentleman staying in a hotel left his umbrella in the hall, but he had put on the handle a card on which was written."This umbrella belongs to a gentleman who can lift up a hundred pounds. I shall be back in ten minutes."When he came back, he found, instead of his umbrella, another card on which was written."This card belongs to a man who can run ten miles an hour. I shall not come back."

雨傘

一位住在旅館的先生把他的雨傘落在了大廳里，不過他在傘柄上系了一張卡片，上面寫著：“此傘屬于一位能舉百磅的紳士。我將在十分鐘內(nèi)回?！钡人貋頃r(shí)，發(fā)現(xiàn)雨傘已經(jīng)不翼而飛，取而代之的是另一張卡片，上面寫著：“此卡是一位一小時(shí)能跑十英里的人留下的，我永遠(yuǎn)不回來?！?

15.Good Points and Bad Points

"This house,"said the real estate salesman."has both its good points and bad points.To show you I'.honest, I'.going to tell you about the disadvantage—there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north."

"What are the advantages."inquired the prospective buyer.

"The good thing about it,"said the agent."is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

優(yōu)缺點(diǎn)

“這幢房。”房地產(chǎn)推銷商說，“既有優(yōu)點(diǎn)也有缺點(diǎn)。為了證明我是誠實(shí)的，我將告訴你它的缺點(diǎn)——往南面一個(gè)街區(qū)有一家化工廠，往北面一個(gè)街區(qū)有一家屠宰?！?

“那么它有什么優(yōu)點(diǎn)?！睖?zhǔn)備購買房子的人問道。

“它的優(yōu)?！贝砩陶f道，“就是你總能分出風(fēng)是從哪邊吹過來?！?

16.I Wasn't Dead

A young man fell into a state of coma, but recovered before his friends had buried him. One of them asked what it felt like to be dead.

"Dead."he exclaimed."I wasn't dead. And I knew I wasn't dead because my feet were cold and I was hungry."

"But how did that make you sure."

"Well, I knew that if I were in heaven I shouldn't be hungry, and if I was in the other place my feet shouldn't be cold."

我還沒死

一個(gè)年輕人昏死了過去，但是當(dāng)他的朋友們要掩埋他的時(shí)候，他卻又蘇醒過來。

他的一個(gè)朋友問他死的感覺是怎樣的。

“?！彼暗溃拔也]有死，我知道我沒死，因?yàn)槲业哪_是涼的，而我又很。”

“你怎么能肯定你沒。”

“當(dāng)然了，我知道如果我上了天堂，我就不會(huì)覺得餓；如果我下到地獄，那我的腳就不會(huì)是涼的?！?

17.Fishing

Larry and Harry drove 300 miles to go fishing. They paid a huge sum to rent a cabin, a similar about to rent a boat. They fished for three days and caught only one fish between them.

On the way home, Harry fiddled with a calculator while Larry drove. After an hour, Harry said."Do you realize that this one fish we caught cost us almost ＄2,00."

"Wow."Larry said."It'.a good thing we didn't catch any more."

釣魚

拉里和哈里驅(qū)車三百英里去釣魚。兩人花了一大筆錢租了一間小屋，又花了差不多同樣的錢租了一條船。兩人釣了三天，只釣到一條魚。

在回家的路上，拉里開車，哈里撥弄著計(jì)算器。一小時(shí)后，哈里說：“你可知道我們釣的這條魚幾乎用掉我們2000美?！?

“?！崩镎f，“幸虧我們沒有多釣到?！?

18.Dog Temperament

At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noticed that a test for a canine'.disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the owner, whereas a good would lick his owner'.face or show concern.

One day, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor. The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the table for my pizza.

狗的性情

在一次關(guān)于狗的性情的研討會(huì)上，教員告知大家一種測(cè)試犬科動(dòng)物性情的方法——狗的主人摔倒并假裝受傷。秉性差的狗會(huì)企圖咬它的主人，而秉性好的狗會(huì)舔主人的臉或現(xiàn)出關(guān)心的神情。

有一天在臥室吃披薩的時(shí)候，我決定在自己的兩條狗身上檢驗(yàn)一下這個(gè)理論。我站起來，緊握住胸口，發(fā)出一聲尖叫，然后倒在地上。這兩條狗看了看我，又相互對(duì)視了一下，然后奔向餐桌去搶我的披薩。

19.What Does It Say

I returned from Russia after living there nearly three years. My sister decided to surprise me by creatin."Welcome Hom."signs in Russian. She went to a website that offered translations, and printed the translated phrase onto cardboards. When I got off the plane, I saw my whole family, excitedly waving colored cardboards. My sister gave me a big hug, and pointed proudly to her creation."Isn't that great."she said."Bet you didn't think I knew any Russian."I admitted that I was indeed surprised—the signs actually said."Translation is not found."

它是什么意思

我在俄國住了將近三年以后回國。我妹妹打算給我一個(gè)驚喜，她用俄文做了一個(gè)“歡迎?！钡臉?biāo)語。她找了一個(gè)提供翻譯的網(wǎng)站，并把翻譯出來的文字打印在了硬紙板上。我一下飛機(jī)就看到全家人興高采烈地?fù)]舞著彩色的硬紙板。我妹妹給了我一個(gè)熱烈的擁抱，并且自豪地指著她的作品說：“是不是很棒？我敢打賭你一定沒想到我還懂一點(diǎn)俄?！蔽页姓J(rèn)我確實(shí)是大吃一驚。這標(biāo)語實(shí)際上是說：“沒有找到譯。”

20.Silly Dog

Ian is a young man. He does not have a wife, but he has a very big dog, and he has a very small car too. He likes playing tennis. Last Monday he played tennis for an hour at his club, and then he ran out and jumped into a car. His dog came after him, but it didn't jump into the same car. It jumped into the next one.

"Come here, silly dog."Ian shouted at it, but the dog stayed in the other car.

Ian put his key into the lock of the car, but the key did not turn. Then he looked at the car again. It was not his!

He was in the wrong car! And the dog was in the right one!

蠢狗

伊恩是個(gè)小伙子，還沒有妻子，但他有一條很大的狗和一輛很小的汽車。他喜歡打網(wǎng)球。上星期一，他在俱樂部打了一個(gè)小時(shí)網(wǎng)球，匆匆走出俱樂部，跳上了一輛車。狗跟隨其后，卻沒有和伊恩上同一輛車，而是上了旁邊的另一輛車。

“過來，蠢?！币炼鲗?duì)狗大聲喊道，但狗臥在那輛車上一動(dòng)不動(dòng)。

伊恩把鑰匙插進(jìn)鎖孔，卻轉(zhuǎn)不動(dòng)鑰匙。他仔細(xì)看了看車，發(fā)現(xiàn)這原來不是他的車！是他上錯(cuò)了車！而他的狗卻上對(duì)了車！

21.One Engine Left

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker.

"Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result."

Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain'.voice aga‐ in."Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."

At this point, one passenger became furious."For Pete'.sake."he shouted."If we lose another engine, we'.l be up here all night."

只剩一個(gè)引擎

一架747客機(jī)正在跨越大西洋時(shí)，喇叭里傳來了機(jī)長的聲音：“旅客們請(qǐng)注意，我們的四個(gè)引擎中有一個(gè)丟失了。但剩下的三個(gè)引擎會(huì)把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到一小?！?

過了一會(huì)兒，旅客們又聽到機(jī)長的聲音：“各位，你們猜怎么啦？我們剛又掉了第三個(gè)引擎。但請(qǐng)你們相信好了，只有一個(gè)引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個(gè)小時(shí)?！?

正在這時(shí)，一位乘客非常氣憤地說：“看在上帝的份上，如果我們?cè)俚粢粋€(gè)引擎，我們就要整夜都呆在天上?！?

22.The Poem Was Stolen

One evening a young man at Oxford who was known to be something of a poet read one of his poems to a small group of friends in his room. The poem was greatly admired, but as they came away, one of the friends, Glen, said, I was very much interested in Alfred's poem but it was stolen from a book."

This remark was repeated to Alfred, who was very annoyed and demanded an apology.

"Well."said Glen."I don't often take back what I have said, but on this occasion I admit I was mistaken. When I returned to my room I looked in the book from which I thought the poem was stolen and I found it was still there."

偷詩

一天晚上，牛津大學(xué)一位有點(diǎn)詩才的年輕人在他的房間里給幾個(gè)朋友念他寫的一首詩，他這首詩大受稱贊。但是，他們離開后，一個(gè)名叫格林的朋友說：“我對(duì)阿爾弗雷德的詩非常感興趣，但他這是從一本書上偷來?！?

這話傳到了阿爾弗雷德那里，他非常氣惱，要求格林道歉。

“。”格林說，“我說出去的話通常不會(huì)收回，但這次我承認(rèn)是我錯(cuò)了。我以為他從那本書里偷走了這首詩，但等我回到房間看那本書時(shí)，發(fā)現(xiàn)那首詩還在那?！?

23.Tossing the Coin

A beautiful girl reports for her University Final Examination that consists of Y／N‐type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the questions paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads for Y and tails for N.

Within half an hour she finishes her paper whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is desperately throwing the coin.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But."she says."I'.rechecking my answers."

擲硬幣

一個(gè)漂亮的女孩參加大學(xué)期末考試，試題均為是非題。

她在考場(chǎng)座位上坐下來，盯著考題看了5分鐘，隨后突然靈機(jī)一動(dòng)，拿出錢夾，掏出一枚硬幣，然后一邊拋硬幣，一邊填寫答題紙。硬幣正面朝上填。反面朝上填。

她不到半小時(shí)就做完了考題，而其他考生正在吃力地答題。在最后幾分鐘，她又在拼命擲硬幣。

監(jiān)考老師對(duì)她的行為提高了警惕，走到她跟前，問發(fā)生了什么事兒。

“我半小時(shí)就做完了。不?！彼f，“我正在復(fù)查答?！?

24.My First and My Last

When George was thirty‐two, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.

George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought." I'.e travelled in a big plane several times, but I'.e never been in a small one, so I'.l go."

They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.

When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice."Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane."

George was very surprised and said."Two trips."

"Yes, my first and my last."answered Mark.

第一次與最后一次

喬治三十二歲時(shí)買了架小型飛機(jī)，并開始學(xué)習(xí)駕駛。不久，他就能很嫻熟地駕機(jī)做各種各樣的特技飛行了。

喬治有個(gè)朋友名叫馬克。一天，喬治主動(dòng)邀請(qǐng)馬克乘他的飛機(jī)上天兜一圈。

馬克心想：“我乘大客機(jī)飛行過好幾次，還從來沒有乘過小飛機(jī)，我不妨試一?！?

升空后，喬治飛了有半個(gè)小時(shí)，在空中做了各種各樣的飛行特技。

后來他們著陸了，馬克很高興能夠安全返回地面。他用顫抖的聲音對(duì)他的朋友說：“喬治，非常感謝你讓我乘小飛機(jī)做了兩次飛?！?

喬治非常吃驚地問：“兩次飛?！?

“是的，我的第一次和最后一?！瘪R克答道。

25.Pay As Little As Possible

A businessman, who always tried to pay as little as possible for what he needed, felt ill one day. He decided to go to a doctor and asked a friend to recommend one.

"Dr. Smith has a good reputation."the friend told him.

"Is he expensive."the businessman asked.

"Yes and no.He charges fifty dollars for the first visit, but only twenty dollars for each visit after that."

"That seems reasonable."the businessman said, and went to visit Dr. Smith. As he walked into the consulting room, he said."Well, here I am again, doctor,"and put twenty dollars on the table.

The doctor looked at him carefully for a moment, then smiled and put the money into the drawer of this desk."Thank you,"he said."And what can I do for you today."

"Examine me, of course,"the businessman said."and tell me what'.wrong with me."

"Oh, there'.no need for me to examine you again."the doctor said."Just continue taking the medicine I prescribed for you when you came to see me last time."

省錢

一個(gè)商人總是想方設(shè)法為他需要的東西省錢。有一天，他突

然病了，決定去看醫(yī)生，便請(qǐng)一位朋友給他推薦一位。

“史密斯大夫聲望不?！迸笥褜?duì)他說。

“他收費(fèi)高?！鄙倘藛柕?。

“高，但也可以說不算高。他第一次看病收費(fèi)50美元，以后每次看病只收二十美。”

“聽起來很合?！鄙倘苏f，然后就去史密斯大夫那里了。走進(jìn)診所時(shí)，他說：“噢，我又來了，大?！比缓髮⒍涝旁诹俗雷由?。

醫(yī)生仔細(xì)看了他一會(huì)兒，然后面帶微笑，將錢放進(jìn)了辦公桌抽屜里，說：“謝謝，你今天看什么?！?

“當(dāng)然是給我檢查?！鄙倘苏f，“給我看看得了什么?！?

“噢，我沒必要再給你檢查?！贬t(yī)生說，“請(qǐng)繼續(xù)吃你上次來時(shí)我給你開的藥?！?

中篇 走調(diào)職員

1.Fresh Milk

Customer: I wonder if this milk is fresh.

Waiter: Fresh？ Three hours ago it was grass!

新鮮奶

顧客：我想知道這牛奶是否新鮮。

侍者：新鮮？三小時(shí)前它還是草呢！

2.Argue

A pair of economists went to a restaurant for lunch.

"Never mind the food."one said to the waitress."Just bring us the bill, so we can argue about it."

爭論

兩名經(jīng)濟(jì)學(xué)家走進(jìn)一家飯店吃午飯。

“不要管是什么?！逼渲幸晃粚?duì)女侍者說，“請(qǐng)把賬單拿來，這樣我們就能爭論?！?

3.Do What You Can

In a courtroom, the judge sentenced a criminal to thirty years in prison and the prisoner said."But Sir, I won'to live that long."

So the judge replied."Don't worry, just do what you can."

盡力就好

在法庭上，法官宣判某個(gè)罪犯要服三十年徒刑。犯人說：“法官，我活不了那么久?！?

法官說：“別擔(dān)心！你盡力而為就?！?

4.What Should I Do

A man was at the doctor'.office."Every time I drink a cup of coffee, Doctor, I have a stabbing pain in my right eye. What should I do."he asked.

"Take the spoon out of your coffee cup."answered the doctor.

我該怎么辦

“醫(yī)生，每次我喝咖啡，右眼都有一種刺痛感。我該怎么?！彼麊柕?。

“把勺子從咖啡杯里拿出?！贬t(yī)生回答說。

5.Interview God

A reporter covering a coal‐mine disaster filed a story that began."God looked at the grief today in this little West Virginia mining town, and He wept."

The city editor emailed back."Forget the mine cave‐in.Interview God."

采訪上帝

一名記者報(bào)道一次煤礦慘案時(shí)，發(fā)出的新聞是這樣開始的：

“上帝看著這座小小的西弗吉尼亞礦城今天沉浸在悲痛之中，也禁不住哭。”

城里的編輯回信說：“別再報(bào)道礦井坍塌事件了，采訪上?！?

6.Yes or No

Approaching a passerby, a street bum asked."Sir, would you give me a hundred dollar for a cup of coffee."

"That'.ridiculous."the man replied.

"Just a yes or no, fella,"the beggar growled."I don't need a lecture about how to run my business."

是與否

街頭流浪漢走近一個(gè)行人，問道：“先生，你愿意給我一百元買一杯咖啡?！?

“真荒。”那人答道。

“伙計(jì)，只說行或不。”乞丐咆哮說，“我不需要誰來教訓(xùn)我怎樣經(jīng)營自己的生。”

7.How to Do It

A schoolgirl was sitting with her feet stretched far out into the aisle, and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her.

"Sheila."called the teacher sharply.

"Yes, sir."questioned the girl.

"Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in."

怎樣做

一女生坐在座位上，嘴里拼命地嚼著口香糖，腳還伸到過道里，被老師給看見了。

“希。”老師大聲地叫她。

“怎么了，老。”這個(gè)女孩問道。

“把口香糖從嘴里拿出來，把你的腳放進(jìn)?！?

8.Sooner or Later

A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.

Judge: Have you ever stolen things？

Thief: Oh, now and then.

Judge: And where have you stolen these things？

Thief: Oh, here and there.

Judge: Right. Lock him up, officer.

Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail？

Judge: Oh, sooner or later.

遲早

一個(gè)有一長串案底的小偷被帶到法官面前。

法官：你有沒有偷東西？

小偷：噢，偶爾。

法官：你在哪兒偷的東西？

小偷：噢，到處。

法官：好吧。把他拷起來，警官。

小偷：嘿，我什么時(shí)候能出獄？

法官：噢，遲早。

9.Let Me Know What You Think

Despite his best sales pitch, a life‐insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy.

"I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision."he announced, standing up to leave."Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."

告訴我你們的想法

盡管推銷手段非常高超，但這名人壽保險(xiǎn)推銷員還是沒能讓一對(duì)夫婦簽下這一單。

“我確實(shí)不想嚇唬你們作決?！彼酒饋硪x開時(shí)說，“請(qǐng)今晚睡覺時(shí)好好想想，如果你們第二天早上能醒來的話，務(wù)必把你們的想法告訴?！?

10.Two Attorneys

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they brought out sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner marched over and told them."You can't eat your own sandwiches here."

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

兩個(gè)律師

兩個(gè)律師走進(jìn)一個(gè)餐廳要了兩杯飲料，從手提箱中拿出三明治開始吃起來。

餐廳老板走過來警告說：“你們不能在這里吃自己的三明?！?

兩個(gè)律師對(duì)看了一眼，聳聳肩，然后交換了手中的三明治。

11.He'.Not Doing Any Digging

The squad was having visual training. One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field. The party was so far away that the men appeared as mere dots, but without hesitation the recruit replied."Sixteen men and a sergeant, sir."

"Right, but how do you know there'.a sergeant there."

"He'.not doing any digging, sir."

他沒有在挖

分隊(duì)正在進(jìn)行視力訓(xùn)練。一個(gè)機(jī)靈的新兵被分隊(duì)長叫出來，清點(diǎn)遠(yuǎn)處曠野上采掘隊(duì)的人數(shù)。挖掘隊(duì)離得很遠(yuǎn)，那些人看起來只是一些小黑點(diǎn)，但這個(gè)新兵毫不猶豫地回答說：“16名士兵、一個(gè)軍士，長。”

“不錯(cuò)，但你怎么知道那里有一個(gè)軍?！?

“他沒有在挖，隊(duì)?！?

12.Connection

When I went to a country inn for lunch, an eager young hostess with a lovely French accent said."This way, monsieur."I'.e spent quite a bit of time in France and always welcome the opportunity to practice the language.

"And what is your connection with France."I asked in French.

Without turning a hair, she replied in perfect English."Oh, my parents spent their honeymoon there."

聯(lián)系

我去一家鄉(xiāng)村酒店吃午飯時(shí)，一個(gè)操著甜美法國口音的年輕女招待說：“先生，這邊。”我已經(jīng)在法國度過了相當(dāng)一段時(shí)間，總是期待這種難得的鍛煉語言的機(jī)會(huì)。

“你和法國有什么聯(lián)系?！蔽矣梅ㄕZ問道。

她連頭也沒回，用完美的英語回答說：“噢，我的父母親曾在那里度過蜜?！?

13.Keep Secret

A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out‐of‐town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before going home but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar‐and‐grill with a questionable reputation.

After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace."I'.rather not."the clergyman said."I don't want him to know I'.here."

向主保密

一位著名牧師和他教區(qū)的幾位老人出席城外會(huì)議直到天黑才開完會(huì)，他們打算在回家前吃點(diǎn)東西。但很不巧只有一家名聲不好的下等酒吧烤菜館開著門。

飯后，一位老人要牧師祈禱?！拔蚁脒€是免了。”牧師說，“我不想讓主知道我在這?！?

14.Make Him a Conductor

My musical director wasn't happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummr to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration."When a musician just can't handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer."A whisper was heard from the percussion section."And if he can't handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

讓他當(dāng)樂隊(duì)指揮

我們的樂隊(duì)指揮對(duì)一個(gè)打擊樂手的表現(xiàn)很不滿意。盡管再三試著讓那個(gè)鼓手有所長進(jìn)卻還是失敗了。最后，在整個(gè)管弦樂隊(duì)面前，指揮沮喪地說：“如果一個(gè)音樂家就是演奏不好他的樂器，那別人就會(huì)把樂器拿走，給他兩根棍子，讓他當(dāng)一個(gè)鼓?！边@時(shí)，打擊樂器那塊兒有人咕噥說：“然而如果他連鼓都打不好，那別人就拿走其中一根棍子，讓他當(dāng)樂隊(duì)指。”

15.You Were the Closest

An accountant answered an ad for a top job with a large firm.At the end of the interview, the chairman said."One last question—what is four times eight."

The accountant thought for a moment and replied."Thirty‐ three."

Outside he checked himself on his calculator and concluded he had lost the job. But two weeks later he was offered the post. He asked the chairman why he had been appointed when he had given the wrong answer.

"You were the closest."the chairman replied.

你是最接近答案的

一名會(huì)計(jì)去一家大公司應(yīng)聘一項(xiàng)高級(jí)工作。面試快結(jié)束時(shí)，董事長說：“最后一個(gè)問題——4乘以8是多。”

會(huì)計(jì)想了一會(huì)兒，回答說：“3。”

到了外面，他在計(jì)算器上演算了一下，最后得出結(jié)論他已經(jīng)失去了這份工作。但兩周后，他卻得到了這個(gè)職位。他問董事長為什么他說錯(cuò)了答案還得到了工作。

“你的答案是最接近?！倍麻L回答說。

16.Brag

Three famous surgecons were bragging about their skills.

"A man came to me who had his hand cut off."said one."Today that man is a concert violinist."

"That'.nothing."said another."A guy came to me who hadhis legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."

"I can top both of you."said the third."One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse'.posterior and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in the United States Senate."

吹牛

三個(gè)著名外科醫(yī)生在吹噓他們的技術(shù)。

“一個(gè)人砍掉了一只手，來到我這?！逼渲幸粋€(gè)說，“如今那個(gè)人成了一名小提琴?！?

“那沒什。”另一個(gè)說，“一個(gè)失去雙腿的家伙來找我，我把他的腿接了上去，現(xiàn)在那個(gè)人成了一名馬拉松運(yùn)動(dòng)?！?

“我可能會(huì)勝過你們?！钡谌齻€(gè)醫(yī)生說，“有一天，我趕到一個(gè)嚴(yán)重的車禍現(xiàn)場(chǎng)，那里只剩下了馬屁股和一副眼鏡，如今那個(gè)人坐上了美國參議員的議。”

17.The Oldest Profession

A surgeon, an architect and a lawyer are having a heated discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.

The surgeon says."Surgery is the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."

The architect says."Hold on!In fact, God was the first architect, when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than that."

The lawyer puffs his cigar and says."Gentlemen, gentlemen...who do you think created the chaos."

最古老的職業(yè)

一名外科醫(yī)生，一名建筑師以及一名律師正激烈地爭論他們誰的職業(yè)是最古老的。

外科醫(yī)生說：“外科手術(shù)是最古老的職業(yè)。上帝從亞當(dāng)身上取下肋骨創(chuàng)造了夏娃，你們可找不出比這更久遠(yuǎn)的事?！?

建筑師說：“等一等！事實(shí)上，上帝是第一個(gè)建筑師，他在七天內(nèi)從混亂中創(chuàng)造出了世界，你們可找不出比這更久遠(yuǎn)的事?！?

律師吐出一口煙說：“先生們，先生們……你們認(rèn)為是誰制造了混亂?！?

18.A Soldier Asked for Marriage

The soldier asked for a furlough, so he might get married.

"How long have you known the girl."his superior asked.

"A week."

"Why, lad, that'.hardly long enough. I suggest that you wait a couple of months, and then, if you still want to get married. I'.l grant you a furlough."

In two months the soldier was back, reminding his superior of his promise.

"So you still want to get married？My, My ! I didn't expect that a young man would stay interested in the same girl for such a long time nowadays."

"I know, sir. But it isn't the same girl, sir."

小兵請(qǐng)婚嫁

有個(gè)士兵想請(qǐng)假結(jié)婚。

“你認(rèn)識(shí)那姑娘多久?！彼拈L官問他。

“一個(gè)禮?！?

“天哪，年輕人，那也太短了，我建議你再等兩個(gè)月，如果到時(shí)你還想結(jié)婚，我就準(zhǔn)你?！?

兩個(gè)月后，那個(gè)士兵又來了，提醒他的上級(jí)曾答應(yīng)過自己的事兒。

“所以你還想結(jié)婚，對(duì)嗎？我的天哪，真沒想到在這個(gè)年代還會(huì)有男孩喜歡一個(gè)女孩這么。”

“我明白，長官，但不是同一個(gè)女?！?

19.No Answer

A young man dashed into the electrician'.shop, his face flushed with angry."Didn't I ask you yesterday morning to send a man to repair our doorbell."he roared."and didn't you promise to send him round at once."

"But we did, sir,"broke in the manager."I'.quite sure of it!Hi, Duke."he called to one of his workmen at the back of the office."Didn't you go round to Park Lodge yesterday to do that job."

"Yes,sir,"replied Duke."I went round all right, and I rang the bell for over an ten minutes, but I could get no answer, so I guessed they must all be out."

沒回應(yīng)

一個(gè)年輕人沖進(jìn)電器維修店，臉氣得通紅。“昨天上午我不是要你派人去修我們的門鈴?！彼舐暫鸬?，“你不是也答應(yīng)馬上派人去修?！?

“我們是派人去了，先。”經(jīng)理插話說，“我完全能肯定這一?！彼蜣k公室后面的一個(gè)工人喊道：“喂，杜克！昨天你不是去洛奇公園給人修門鈴了?！?

“是的，先?！倍趴嘶卮鹫f，“我確實(shí)去了那里，而且按了十幾分鐘門鈴，但沒有人開門，所以我就想他們一定是外出?！?

20.What the Heck Is Wrong with My Wife？

A woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition.Her husband waits in the waiting room. After a few mintutes, the doctor comes out and asks his assistant for a wrench, which concerns the husband.

After a couple more minutes, the doctor reenters the room this time asking for a screwdriver. The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles.

Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer. The husband, in a state of terror, runs up the surgeon and asks."Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife."

"I don't know,"replies the flustered doctor."I can't get my damn cabinet open."

我太太究竟怎么了？

一個(gè)病情危急的女人被緊急送到醫(yī)院。她的丈夫守在等待室里。幾分鐘后，醫(yī)生出來讓他的助理把扳手拿給他，這讓那位丈夫很是擔(dān)心。

又過了幾分鐘，這個(gè)醫(yī)生又進(jìn)等待室要了一把螺絲刀。那位丈夫便更加擔(dān)憂起來，開始在屋里來回打轉(zhuǎn)。

一會(huì)兒后，這個(gè)醫(yī)生沖過幾扇門，嚷著要一個(gè)錘子。那位丈夫慌亂恐懼起來，跑到那位醫(yī)生跟前問：“醫(yī)生，我妻子到底怎么?！?

“我不知?！蹦俏换艔埖尼t(yī)生回答道，我打不開那該死的柜子了。

21.Weather Predict

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said."Tomorrow will rain." The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said."To-morrow will storm."The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible."said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.

However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him."I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow."said the director."and I'.depending on you. What will the weather be like.".

The Indian shrugged his shoulders."Don't know."he said,

"Radio is broken."

天氣預(yù)報(bào)

一個(gè)電影攝制組在沙漠深處工作。一天，一個(gè)印第安老人到導(dǎo)演跟前告訴導(dǎo)演說：“明天要下?！钡诙旃幌掠炅?。

一周后，印第安人又來告訴導(dǎo)演說：“明天有風(fēng)。”果然，第二天有風(fēng)暴。

“這個(gè)印第安人真。”導(dǎo)演說。他告訴秘書雇傭這個(gè)印第安人來預(yù)報(bào)天氣。

幾次預(yù)報(bào)都很成功，然后，接下來的兩周，印第安人不見了。

最后，導(dǎo)演派人去把他叫來了。“我明天必須拍一個(gè)很大的場(chǎng)。”導(dǎo)演說，“這得靠你了。明天天氣如何?！?

印第安人聳了聳肩?！拔也恢??！庇《热苏f，“收音機(jī)壞。”

22.Problem with Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says."Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much.They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact. I'.e farted at least 20 times since I'.e been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says."I see. Here'.a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."

The next week the hay goes back."Doctor,"she says."I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts although still silent stink terribly."

The doctor says."Good! Now that we'.e cleared up your sinuses, let'.start working on your hearing."

氣體的問題

一位小老太太去看病，她說：“醫(yī)生，我有個(gè)問題，就是總放屁。不過其實(shí)對(duì)我也并沒有太大的困擾，我放屁不臭也沒有聲音。實(shí)際上，我自從來到您的辦公室已經(jīng)放了二十多個(gè)屁。不過你根本不知道我放屁了，因?yàn)椴怀舳覜]有聲音，對(duì)?！?

醫(yī)生說道：“我明白了。這藥一天吃三次，服用七天，下星期再來找。”

到了下個(gè)星期，這老太太又來了，她說道：“醫(yī)生，真不知道你到底給我開的什么藥，盡管我現(xiàn)在放屁還是沒有聲音，可是卻臭死?！?

醫(yī)生說：“很好，既然你的嗅覺恢復(fù)正常了，那么我們開始治療你的聽?！?

23.I Present Arms

A new volunteer who had not quite learned his business, was on sentry duty.One night, he bought a pie from the canteen.

As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in plainclothes.The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, and the major stopped and said,"What'.that you have there."

"Apple pie. Have a bite."said the sentry, good‐naturedly.

The major frowned.

"Do you know who I am."he asked.

"No."said the sentry."unless you'.e major'.groom."

The major shook his head.

"Guess again."

"The barber from the village."

"No."

"Maybe."the sentry laughed."maybe you'.e the major himself."

"That's right. I am the major."

The sentry scrambled to his feet."Good gracious."He exclaimed."Hold the pie, will you, while I present arms."

敬禮

輪到一個(gè)對(duì)自己職責(zé)不甚了解的新志愿兵站崗。一天夜里，他從食堂買了一個(gè)餡餅。

當(dāng)他坐在草地上吃餡餅時(shí)，一名身著便服的少校溜達(dá)過來。

哨兵不認(rèn)識(shí)他，就沒有敬禮。少校停下來說：“你在那里吃什?！?

“蘋果餡餅。來一。”哨兵和氣地說。少校皺了皺眉。

“你知道我是誰?！彼麊?。

“不知。”哨兵說，“莫非你是少校的馬。”

少校搖了搖頭。

“再猜一?！?

“鄉(xiāng)村理發(fā)?！?

“不?！?

“大?！鄙诒Φ?，“大概你是少校本人。”

“不錯(cuò)。我正是少?！?

哨兵從地上爬起來，驚叫道：“天啊！幫我拿著餡餅，我要舉槍敬?！?

24.Whose Dog Was the Smartest

Four friends were arguing over whose dog was the smartest.

The first man, an engineer, called to his dog."T Square, show your stuff."The dog trotted over to a desk, pulled out a paper and pencil, and drew a perfect triangle.

The next guy, an accountant, called to his dog."Slide Rule, go ahead."The dog went to the kitchen, nibbled open a bag of cookies and divided the contents into four equal piles.

The next man, a chemist, beckoned his dog."Beaker, to show what you could do."The dog went to the fridge, took out a quart of milk and poured out exactly eighty ounces into a measuring cup.

The last man was a government worker."Coffee Break."he hollered to his dog."go to it."With that, the dog jumped to his feet, soiled the paper, ate the cookies and drank the milk.

誰的狗最聰明

四個(gè)朋友在一起討論誰的狗最聰明。

第一個(gè)人是工程師，他喊他的。T形角，把你的本事亮出來看看。然后這只狗跑到桌子旁邊，拿出一張紙和一支筆，畫了一個(gè)完美的三角形。

第二個(gè)人是會(huì)計(jì)，他喊他的狗：“計(jì)數(shù)尺，上。”然后這只狗走到廚房，輕輕咬開一包餅干，把它們平均分成了四份。

接下來的那個(gè)人是化學(xué)家，他召喚他的狗：“燒杯，展示一下你的才華?！边@只狗走到冰箱，拿出一夸脫牛奶，然后準(zhǔn)確地在量杯里倒進(jìn)了八十盎司。

最后一個(gè)人是政府工作人員?！靶菹r(shí)?！彼兴墓罚叭??！边@只狗馬上跳起來，踏臟了那張紙，吃掉了餅干并喝掉了牛奶。

25.Researching This Insect

A prominent Polish scientist conducted a very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving it a verbal comman."Jump."

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea'.leg, told it to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook."Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."

So,he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, it obeyed, So he wrote again."Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."

There after he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again."Upon removing the next leg all fIea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the legless flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion."Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing."

研究昆蟲

一位杰出的波蘭科學(xué)家做了一個(gè)非常重要的實(shí)驗(yàn)。他訓(xùn)練了一只跳蚤，當(dāng)給它一個(gè)動(dòng)作指令“?！睍r(shí)它就會(huì)跳起來。

在實(shí)驗(yàn)的第一階段，他除去了跳蚤的一條腿，命令它跳，這只跳蚤跳了起來。于是他在他的科學(xué)記事本上寫道：“在去掉一條腿的基礎(chǔ)上，跳蚤所有的器官依然正常工?！?

于是，他去掉了跳蚤的第二條腿，命令這只跳蚤跳，它聽從了命令，于是他又寫道：“在去掉第二條腿的基礎(chǔ)上，跳蚤所有的器官依然正常工?！?

然后，他只留了跳蚤一條腿，當(dāng)給出指令時(shí)跳蚤還是聽從了，于是他又寫道：“在去掉第三條腿的基礎(chǔ)上，跳蚤所有的器官依然正常工。”

然后他把最后一條腿去掉了，命令跳蚤跳，但毫無反應(yīng)。他不想冒險(xiǎn)，就把這實(shí)驗(yàn)重復(fù)做了幾次，沒腿的跳蚤一次都沒有跳起來過。于是他得出了結(jié)論：“在跳蚤失去最后一條腿后，它喪失了聽?！?

26.Engineer

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says."Wait a second! You'.e in the wrong place! Beat it."

So, the engineer goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there'.running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer."So how'.it going down there."

Satan replies."Hey, things are going great. We'.e got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there'.no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies."What! You'.e got an engineer？ That'.a mistake—he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away."

Satan says."No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'.keeping him."

God says."Send him back up here or I'.l sue."

"Oh，yeah."the Devil replies."Where are you going to get a lawyer."

工程師

一位工程師死后來到天堂。但是，當(dāng)圣彼得在門口看到他時(shí)說：“等一下！你來錯(cuò)了地方！滾?！?

于是，工程師下了地獄，在那兒安頓下來。他很快對(duì)周圍的環(huán)境感到不滿，于是開始改善狀況。不久以后，這兒有了自來水、抽水馬桶、電梯，甚至還裝上了空調(diào)！工程師成了香饃饃。

一天，上帝打電話給撒旦，嘲諷地說：“你下面情況怎么樣?！?

撒旦回答：“嗯，不錯(cuò)不錯(cuò)。我們這兒已經(jīng)有了空調(diào)、抽水馬桶還有電梯。不知道工程師接下來會(huì)給我們制造什?！?

上帝叫道：“什么！你們有一個(gè)工程師？出錯(cuò)了——他本不應(yīng)該到那去的。馬上把他送回?！?

撒旦說：“沒門！我喜歡有個(gè)工程師子民，我要留他在這。”

上帝說：“把他送回來，否則我便起訴?！?

“噢，是?！蹦Ч砘氐?，“可你們到哪兒去找一名律師?！?

下篇 尷尬問答

1.Two Tickets

"My husband is so ugly that when he goes to the zoo he has to buy the tickets: one to get in and one to get out."

兩張票

“我丈夫長得特別丑，每次他去動(dòng)物園都不得不買兩張票：一張是進(jìn)動(dòng)物園的，另一張是出動(dòng)物園。”

2.Still in the Same Cemetery

A man asked an acquaintance how his wife was; then, suddenly remembering that she had died, she blurted out."Still in the same cemetery."

還在原來的墓地

一個(gè)人問一個(gè)熟人他的妻子過得怎么樣；接著，突然想起她已經(jīng)去世，就脫口問道：“她還在原來那個(gè)墓地?！?

3.She Is Too Fat

Large lady: I'.very annoyed with that scale.

Friend: Why is that？

Large lady: When I stepped on it, it said."One person at a time, please."

一個(gè)頂倆

胖女人：我對(duì)那臺(tái)電子秤很惱火。

朋友：為什么？

胖女人：每次我站上面稱體重時(shí)，它總是顯示“一次請(qǐng)站?！?。

4.I'.Not Beating My Wife

"Why do you go on the balcony when I sing？ Don't you like to hear me."

"It isn't that. I want the neighbors to see that I'.not beating my wife."

我沒打老婆

“我唱歌時(shí)，你為什么到陽臺(tái)上去？難道你不喜歡聽我唱歌。”

“不是這樣，我想讓鄰居們知道我沒有在打老?！?

5.It'.a Mirror

A middle‐aged couple went to the gallery. The wife, who was nearsighted, stood before a big picture of a woman'.image and cried out."Dear me, how could a woman be so ugly."

"Don't be so fussy."said the husband."It'.not a picture, It'.a mirror."

那是鏡子

一對(duì)中年夫婦來到畫廊。妻子是個(gè)近視眼，站在一張女人的肖像前，大聲喊道：“天啊，天下竟有這樣丑的女?！?

“別大驚小?！彼恼煞蛘f，“那不是畫，是鏡?！?

6.Of Course

An old woman drove an old car to the crossroad.

A policeman put up his hand and blew his whistle.He came up to her and asked,"Madam, don't you understand the meaning when I put up my hand."

"Yes, of course."answered the old woman."I have been a primary‐school teacher for forty years."

當(dāng)然明白

一名老太太開著一輛舊車來到十字路口。

警察抬手示意，吹響口哨，來到她面前問：“太太，難道你不明白我揚(yáng)起手臂是什么意思。”

“我當(dāng)然明?！崩咸卮鹫f，“我都當(dāng)了四十年小學(xué)教師?！?

7.The Baldest Man

A colleague told me about the day he went to his highschool reunion."My wife and I walked in the door, and a man I didn't recognize started hugging me, saying how happy he was to see me.When I confessed that I didn't know him.He said,'I don't know you either, but until you came I was the baldest man here!'.

最禿的人

一位同事給我說了他有一天去參加高中同學(xué)聚會(huì)的事兒：

我和妻子一走進(jìn)門，一個(gè)我不認(rèn)識(shí)的人上來就擁抱我，說他看到我非常高興。我直言相告說我不認(rèn)識(shí)他，他說：我也不認(rèn)識(shí)你，但在你來之前，我是這里最禿的人！

8.Wish He Were

A big crowd were gathered outside a hotel where a famous millionaire died of a car accident. Among the crowd a young man apparently looked very sad.An old man who felt sympathy and said to the young man."I understand you. I thought he was your relative. Am I right."

"There lies the problem. He was not my relative at all."

但愿他是

一大群人聚集在一家旅館外面。在那里，一個(gè)很有名的百萬富翁剛剛因?yàn)檐嚨溗懒?。人群中，一位男青年顯得分外傷心。有個(gè)富有同情心的老人對(duì)他說：“我能理解你的心情，我想他是你的親戚?！?

年輕人說：“問題就在這里——他不是?！?

9.The Smell Is Terrible

A man came to the police station and complained."I have three brother—we all lived in one room. One of my brothers has six cats, another has five dogs, and the other has four goats. The smell is terrible.Can you do something about it."

"Well, why don't you open the windows."asked the policeman.

"What？ And lose all my birds."

氣味難聞

一位男子來到警察局抱怨道：“我有三個(gè)兄弟——我們都住在一間屋子里。其中一個(gè)兄弟養(yǎng)了六只貓，另一個(gè)喂了五條狗，還有一個(gè)養(yǎng)了四只山羊。氣味兒難聞極了。您能給解決一下?！?

“嗯，你為什么不把窗戶打開。”警察問。

“什么？難道您要我把我的鳥都放走?！?

10.The Same Father

A young mother enlisted the help of a friend in taking her infant identical twins to the doctor.Since the waiting area was full, the two women, each with a twin, were seated on opposite sides of the room.

After a few minutes someone commented."It'.amazing how much those two babies look alike."

The friend was quick to reply."Well, they should, they have the same father."

同一個(gè)爸爸

一位年輕媽媽請(qǐng)一位朋友幫她把雙胞胎抱去看醫(yī)生。候診區(qū)人很多，這兩個(gè)女人便一人抱一個(gè)孩子分坐在候診室兩邊。

過了一會(huì)兒，有人評(píng)論說：“真讓人吃驚，這兩個(gè)孩子長得多?！?

這位朋友很快答道：“噢，他們應(yīng)該像，他們有同一個(gè)爸。”

11.Pay Me Double the Tuition Fee

A young man asked Socrates to teach him the technique of lecturing. To show that he was eloquent, the young man talked on and on about all irrelevant matters.

"You should pay me double the tuition fee."said Socrates.

"Why？ Why should I pay double."the young man said in surprise.

"Because,"Socrates said."I must teach you two courses: one is how to close your mouth while the other is how to lecture."

付雙倍學(xué)費(fèi)

一個(gè)年輕人求蘇格拉底教他演講的技巧。為了顯示自己口若懸河，這個(gè)年輕人話不切題滔滔不絕。

“你應(yīng)該付給我雙倍學(xué)。”蘇格拉底說。

“為什么？為什么我應(yīng)該付雙倍學(xué)。”年輕人吃驚地問道。

“因?！碧K格拉底說，“我要教你兩門課程：一門是如何閉嘴，另一門才是如何演。”

12.Churchill and Bernard Shaw

Winston Churchill was Prime Minister of Great Britain during World Warll. He was a fat and short man. George Bernard Shaw was a famous writer. He was tall and lean. Both of them were humorists.

When they met at a reception, Churchill said to Shaw with a smile."Mr. Shaw, when people see you, they must think there is a famine in our country."

"Yes."said Bernard Shaw."but they must think you are responsible for it."

丘吉爾和肖伯納

丘吉爾是二戰(zhàn)期間英國的首相，他是個(gè)又矮又胖的男人。肖伯納是著名作家，又高又瘦。他們倆都是幽默詼諧的人。

一次，他們?cè)谝粋€(gè)招待會(huì)上碰面了。丘吉爾微笑著對(duì)肖伯納說：“肖伯納先生，人們看到您，一定會(huì)認(rèn)為我們國家正在鬧饑?！?

“。”肖伯納回答，“但他們一定認(rèn)為這是您造成?！?

13.Business Just Started

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He built a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor."Can I help you."The man said."Yeah, I'.e come to activate your phone lines."

事業(yè)剛起步

一個(gè)年輕商人剛剛創(chuàng)辦了自己的公司，他建了一個(gè)裝修特別華麗的辦公室，還用古董裝飾了一番。正坐著，他看見一個(gè)人走進(jìn)了辦公室。為了顯示自己的成功，那個(gè)商人拿起電話，假裝他正在談一筆大生意。他張口閉口一堆天文數(shù)字，并夸下?？谧隽撕枚喑兄Z。他終于掛了電話，對(duì)來的人說：“您有事?！眮淼娜苏f：“是的，我是來幫你開通電話。”

14.God's Perfect Masterpiece

A butter‐tonsiled pastor is praising the greatness of the creator in a church. In the end, he asked his followers."Who dares say there is one thing is not the most perfect masterpiece of the creator."

Suddenly, a hunchback believer stood from the corner of the church slowly and asked the pastor."In your opinion, what about my hunchback."

Pastor told him thoughtlessly."It is one of the most perfect hunchbacks I'.e ever seen, no matter in the curve or plastic, all God's perfect masterpiece."

上帝最完美的杰作

一位能言善道的牧師在教堂歌頌造物主的偉大。結(jié)束時(shí)，他向在場(chǎng)的信徒們發(fā)問：“你們有誰敢說天下有哪件事物不是造物主最完美的杰。”

突然，有位駝背的信徒自教堂的一角緩緩站起來向牧師請(qǐng)教：“依您看，我這個(gè)駝背算不?！?

牧師不假思索地告訴他：“那是我見過的最完美的一個(gè)駝背，不論在線條還是造型方面，都堪稱是上帝最完美的杰?！?

15.Hearing Problem

An elderly retired gentleman had severe hearing problems for some time.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.

One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said."Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman said."Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I'.e changed my will three times."

聽力問題

一名退休的老紳士長久以來深受聽力問題的困擾。

他去看醫(yī)生，醫(yī)生給他配了一套助聽器，幫助他比以前聽得更清楚些。

一個(gè)月以后，老先生又去看醫(yī)生。醫(yī)生說：“你的聽力好多了。你的家人一定很高興，你又能聽見別人說話?！?

紳士說道：“不，我還沒有告訴我的家人呢。我只是坐在一旁聽他們講話，我已經(jīng)修改了三次遺囑?！?

16.The King'.Brother

A poor man, presenting himself before the king of spain, asked his charity, telling him that he was his brother. the king desired to know how he claimed kindred to him, the poor fellow replied."We are all descended from one common father and mother viz. Adam and Eve."

Upon which the king gave him a little copper piece of money, the poor man began to bemoan himself, said."Is it possible that your Majesty should give no more than this to your brother."

"Away, away."replies the king."if all the brothers you have in the world give you as much as I have done, you'.l be richer than I am."

國王的兄弟

一個(gè)窮人去見西班牙國王，說自己是他的兄弟，求他施恩周濟(jì)。國王想知道他何以攀認(rèn)親戚，窮人回答說：“我們有共同的祖先亞當(dāng)和夏?！?

聽了這話，國王就給了他一個(gè)小銅子。于是窮人開始叫屈，說：“難道國王陛下您就給兄弟這一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)錢。”

“走開，走?！眹趸卮穑叭绻澜缟夏闼械男值軅兌枷裎疫@樣給你一個(gè)銅板，你就比我還有錢。”

17.Choose

"Mr. Richie, you are going to have some injection, and then you'.l feel much better. A nurse will come and give you the first one this evening."said the doctor.

In the evening a young nurse came to Mr. Richie'.bed and said to him."I'.going to give you your first injection now, Mr. Richie. Where do you want it."

The old man was surprised. He looked at the nurse for several seconds, and then said."Nobody'.ever let me choose that before. Are you really going to let me choose now."

"Yes, Mr. Richie."the nurse answered.

"Well, then,"the old man answered with a smile."I want it in your left arm."

選擇

“里奇先生，你得打幾針，然后就會(huì)感覺好多了。今晚護(hù)士會(huì)過來給你打第一。”醫(yī)生說。

晚上，一個(gè)年輕護(hù)士來到里奇先生的床前說：“里奇先生，我現(xiàn)在要給你打第一針，你想要打在什么地。”

這位老人非常驚訝，他看了護(hù)士好幾秒鐘，然后說：“以前從來沒人讓我選擇，你現(xiàn)在真的想讓我選擇。”

“是的，里奇先?！弊o(hù)士回答說。

“那。”老人微笑著答道，“我想打在你的左臂。”

18.Who Was the First Man

A teacher asked her class."Who was the first man."

"George Washington."a little boy shouted promptly.

"How do you make out that George Washington was the first man."asked the teacher.

"Because."said the little boy."he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his people."

But at this point a larger boy held up his hand.

"Well."said the teacher to him."who do you think was the first man."

"I don't know what his name was,"said the larger boy."but I know it wasn't George Washington, ma'.m, because the history book says George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man ahead of him."

誰是第一個(gè)男人

一名老師問班上的學(xué)生：“誰是第一個(gè)男。”

“喬治·華盛。”一個(gè)小男孩馬上大聲說道。

“你怎么知道喬治·華盛頓是第一個(gè)男?！崩蠋焼柕?。

“因。”小男孩說，“他在打仗時(shí)是第一，和平時(shí)是第一，在人民心中也是第?！?

但就在這時(shí)，一個(gè)較大的男孩舉起了手。

“那?！崩蠋煂?duì)他說，“你認(rèn)為誰是第一個(gè)男?！?

“我不知道他叫什么名?！陛^大的男孩說，“不過，老師，我知道他不是喬治·華盛頓。因?yàn)闅v史書上說喬治·華盛頓娶了一名寡婦，所以在他前面肯定還有一個(gè)男?！?

19.Not Having It All Cut Off

Tyler sometimes went to the barber'.during working hours to have his hair cut.But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time.

While Tyler was at the barber'.one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.

"Hello, Tyler,"the manager said."I see that you are having your hair cut in office time."

"Yes, sir, I am."admitted Tyler calmly."You see, sir, it grows in office time."

"Not all of it."said the manager at once."Some of it grows in your time."

"Yes, sir, that'.quite true,"answered Tyler politely."but I'.not having it all cut off."

沒把頭發(fā)全部剪掉

泰勒有時(shí)在上班時(shí)間去理發(fā)館理發(fā)，但這是違反辦公室規(guī)定的：職員只能利用自己的時(shí)間理發(fā)。一天，正當(dāng)泰勒理發(fā)時(shí)，經(jīng)理碰巧也進(jìn)來理發(fā)，而且就坐在他旁邊。

“你好，泰?！苯?jīng)理說，“我看到你在上班時(shí)間理發(fā)?！?

“是的，先。”泰勒平靜地承認(rèn)了，“可是，你知道，頭發(fā)是在上班時(shí)間長?！?

“不全都是?！苯?jīng)理立刻說，“有一些是在業(yè)余時(shí)間里長?！?

“對(duì)呀，先生，你說得很。”泰勒禮貌地回答說，“但我并沒有把頭發(fā)全都剪掉。”

20.Where Is Your Father

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn in the road. The farmer who lived nearby came to investigate.

"Hey, Simon."he called out."Forget your troubles for a spell and come on in and have dinner with us. When I'.l help you get the wagon up."

"That'.mighty nice of you."Simon answered."but I don't think my father would like me to."

"Oh, come on, son."the farmer insisted.

"Well, okay,"the boy finally agreed."But my father won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Simon thanked his host,'I feel a lot better now, but I just know my father is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish."exclaimed the neighbor."By the way, where is he."

"Under the wagon."

你爸在哪里

一個(gè)農(nóng)場(chǎng)的男孩不小心弄翻了他裝玉米的馬車。住在附近的農(nóng)民過來幫忙。

“嗨，西?！彼吆?，“忘了你的麻煩吧，過來和我們一起吃晚飯，然后我?guī)湍惆衍嚪銎稹！?

“您真是太好?！蔽髅苫卮?，“但我想爸爸不愿意讓我這么?！?

“噢，得了，孩?！鞭r(nóng)民堅(jiān)持說。

“嗯，好?！蹦泻⒆詈笸饬?，“但是爸爸不喜歡這?！?

一頓豐盛的晚餐過后，西蒙感謝了這位主人：“我現(xiàn)在感覺好多了，但是我覺得爸爸肯定很沮?！?

“別傻?！编従诱f道，“順便問一句，他在?！?

“馬車下?！?

21.My Wife Doesn't Lay Eggs

Mr. Sean was a chicken farmer. He had hundreds of chickens, and sold the eggs and the meat and got quite a lot of money, but he lived in a very hot part of the country, and he found that his hens laid hardly any eggs in the summer. So he decided to put air‐condition into his chicken‐house so that the hens would lay well all through the year and he could get more eggs and in that way earn more money.

The owner of the company who sold the air‐condition came to see him, and when he saw Mr. Sean'.house, he thought that he might be able to persuade him to buy another air‐condidon for that too.

"Your wife would be much happier and more comfortable then."he said to Mr. Sean. But Mr. Sean was not interested.

"My wife doesn't lay eggs."He said.

我妻子不下蛋

肖恩先生有一個(gè)養(yǎng)雞場(chǎng)，養(yǎng)著數(shù)百只雞，他靠著賣雞蛋和雞肉賺了很多錢?？墒撬酿B(yǎng)雞場(chǎng)位于非常炎熱的些區(qū)，在夏天，雞場(chǎng)里的雞熱得幾乎不下蛋，所以他決定在雞場(chǎng)里安裝空調(diào)，這樣他的雞全年都會(huì)下蛋，蛋多了，他就可以賺更多的錢。

賣空調(diào)的老板來了，當(dāng)他看到肖恩先生自己住的房子沒有空調(diào)，他認(rèn)為自己應(yīng)該可以說服肖恩先生再買個(gè)空調(diào)，裝在自己房間里。

“房間裝上空調(diào)，你妻子會(huì)更加高興和舒。”他對(duì)肖恩先生說。但是肖恩先生一點(diǎn)都不感興趣。

他說：“我妻子不下。”

22.Captain'.Sister

During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Mia was one of them, she worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.

One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her."I m going abroad tomorrow, but I'.be very happy if we could write to each other."Mia agreed, and they wrote for several months.

Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.

Mia went there and said to the matron."I'.e come to visit Captain Humphreys."

"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here."the matron said.

"Oh, that'.all right,"answered Mia."I'.his sister."

"I'.very pleased to meet you,"the matron said."I'.his mother."

上尉的妹妹

第二次世界大戰(zhàn)期間，英國許多年輕婦女在軍隊(duì)服兵役。米婭就是其中之一。她在一個(gè)很大的軍營里工作，理所當(dāng)然會(huì)遇到許多男性軍官和士兵。

一天晚上，她在一個(gè)舞會(huì)上遇到了漢弗雷斯上尉。上尉對(duì)她說：“我明天就要去國外了，如果我們能夠相互通信，我會(huì)很高?！泵讒I同意了，他們幾個(gè)月一直保持信件往來。

后來上尉的來信中斷了，但是米婭收到了另一個(gè)長官的信，說漢弗雷斯受傷了，正在英格蘭某家部隊(duì)醫(yī)院療傷。

米婭來到那家醫(yī)院，對(duì)護(hù)士長說：“我來探望漢弗雷斯上。”

“這里只允許親屬探望病?！弊o(hù)士長說。

“噢，是這樣。”米婭回答說，“我是他的妹?！?

“很高興認(rèn)識(shí)?！弊o(hù)士長說，“我是他的母?！?

23.Letter to the Lord

A little boy wanted one hundred dollar for a bicycle very badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so impressed, touched and amused that he intrusted his secretary to send the little boy a five‐dollar bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the five‐dollar bill and sat down to write a thank‐you note to the Lord which said:

Dear Lord,

Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed for some reason you had to send it through washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted ninety‐five dollars.

Love,Roger

寫給上帝的信

一個(gè)小男孩兒非?？释幸话倜涝獊碣I輛自行車，他祈禱了兩個(gè)星期但是什么也沒有發(fā)生。之后他決定寫信給上帝要些錢。當(dāng)郵局收到這封要寄給美國上帝的信，他們決定把這封信交給總統(tǒng)大人。

總統(tǒng)看了這封信很受感動(dòng)，被這個(gè)可愛的小男孩兒逗樂了，他讓秘書給小男孩兒寄了一張五美元的鈔票?？偨y(tǒng)認(rèn)為這對(duì)于一個(gè)小男孩兒來說已經(jīng)很多了。

那個(gè)小孩兒看見這五美元后很高興，并且坐下來給上帝寫感謝信。

親愛的上帝：

非常感謝您送我的錢。不過我注意到由于某些原因你不得不通過華盛頓郵局把它送過來，那些愚蠢的家伙肯定又扣除了其余的九十五美元。

羅杰敬上

24.Take Some Sand Paper Instead

As Bill was about to start a job in a shop, the owner thought it necessary to explain to him what he was to do and he was to set about the work.

"Now,"he said."suppose a customer comes in and asks for something we haven't, don't go saying you haven't got it."

"So what must I say."asked Bill.

"Er...well, say you'.e got something else of a very high quality."

Saying this the owner of the shop went upstairs to the office.

Soon, however, he had to rush back as he heard a dreadful noise coming from the shop. As he got down, he saw a high‐ranking officer bawling at Bill and cursing badly.

"What'.happened."asked the owner.

"A fine sort of shop assistant you'.e got here! I asked him for some toilet paper and he answered he hadn't got paper,but suggested I should take some sand paper instead, very good value for my money.

Can you beat that."

用砂紙代替

比爾準(zhǔn)備到一家商店上班。店主認(rèn)為有必要向他說明他要做什么以及他如何去著手工作。

“現(xiàn)。”他說，“假如有一位顧客來買東西，而我們卻沒有，千萬不要說我們沒。”

“那我要怎么說。”比爾問。

“噢，就說你還有其他質(zhì)量上乘的東。”

說完，店主就到樓上自己的辦公室去了。

然而，他很快又不得不跑了回來，因?yàn)樗牭缴痰昀飩鱽硪环N可怕的聲音。他一下樓，便看到一名高級(jí)軍官在沖著比爾大吼大叫，同時(shí)還不干不凈地罵著。

“怎么。”店主問。

“你的店員可真有兩下子！我想買衛(wèi)生紙，他說這里沒有衛(wèi)生紙，卻建議我買砂紙代替，說這樣我會(huì)買得物有所值。真不可思。”

25.The Wonder in the Bathtub

A reporter called on a cotton broker one Sunday morning. The man received the reporter in his dressing room, and after their business talk was over the wonders of the house were taken up. The broker boasted about his Raphaels and hardwood floors, his light plant and French furniture, his gold‐plated plumbing and Gobelins, but he boasted above all about his travelling bathtub.

"It'.onyx."he said."a lovely golden shade, it runs by electricity, on tiny pneumatic tires, smooth and silent. Whenever I don't feel disposed to leave this room it comes in here to me, filled, just as I like it, with genuine Atlantic Ocean, brought up from Coney Island and warmed to 80 degrees. It comes in any time I push this button."

"Push it now."said the reporter, curiously.

The button was pushed, the doors slid magically opened, and the great onyx bath glided in stately silence into the room. But in it sat the millionaire'.astonished wife.

浴缸里的精品

一個(gè)星期天的早上，一個(gè)記者去拜訪一位棉花經(jīng)銷商，那位商人在他的穿衣間里接見了他。正事談完后，他們就說起商人豪宅里的新奇精品。商人吹噓他擁有的拉斐爾名畫，他的硬木地板，他的私人發(fā)電設(shè)備和法國家具，他的鍍金水管和哥白林掛毯，而他吹得最起勁的就是他那個(gè)可走動(dòng)的浴缸了。

“它是縞瑪瑙做的，是令人喜愛的金黃。”他說，“裝在電動(dòng)的充氣輪胎上，走起來平穩(wěn)而毫無噪音；我不愿離開這個(gè)房間的時(shí)候，它就能到這里來將就我。還按照我的意愿灌滿了從大西洋科尼島運(yùn)來的水，水溫加熱到華氏八十度。我一按這個(gè)鍵鈕，它隨時(shí)就會(huì)?！?

“那你現(xiàn)在就按一下看?！庇浾哂悬c(diǎn)好奇。這商人就按了一下鍵鈕，房門神奇地打開了，那個(gè)碩大的縞瑪瑙浴缸就雍容地滑進(jìn)房間。但是浴缸里面卻坐著正在沐浴的驚慌失措的富商太太。